What Have I Done❓

I woke up early this morning, four o’clock early. Nothing really on my mind. I was thankful for that.

I reached for my phone and remembered my vow to give up Facebook for Lent. I sat it back down and thought “now what?”. I wasn’t feeling ambitious enough to get out of bed. I wasn’t tired either. I picked it back up to see if any little red notification numbers were lit up. I was disappointed to see none. Oh right…I turned off my notifications so I wouldn’t be tempted.

I stared at the dark room and remembered many years waking up anxiously to a million different thoughts running through my head. I never want to return to those days.

I decided to play Candy Crush instead. Ugh…I had been playing a lot of it lately. Had I robbed Peter to pay Paul? What was this whole Facebook fast supposed to be about anyway? I didn’t feel the significant spiritual awaking that I had hoped. If anything I’ve felt more distant.

I decided to check email, messages and crushed a few candy levels. Was this really more important than rest? I figured I should get more rest. Thankfully I fell back to sleep quickly.

I awoke from a crazy dream. You know the ones you have after lying awake in the dark and panicking about not getting enough sleep, only to wake what seems like seconds later from a deep sleep?

“Mom! Can you make me breakfast?!”

I’m jolted up. Crap, I wanted to get up early to have some me time before the kids got up. I fumble for the slippers underneath my bed. I feel the tightness in my feet as they touch the cold floor. . I must have eaten too much salt the day before. Maybe it’s the medicine I take to decrease the odds of my cancer returning. I never know. I say a quick prayer. I’m still alive.

I feel blah today. I have the day off but still bummed about My Facebook Fast Flop.

I decide to read, write and ask for help.

“God…I’m available today for whatever you bring my way.”

The sun started to rise and I see a beautiful painting. It’s different each morning. Some days it’s dark and some days dreary but today it’s beautiful orange and pinks. Be still Natalie. Be still and notice the gifts. Do nothing and watch everything unfold exactly how it’s meant to.

I had a great day…turns out God needed me for a bunch of different things today. I wondered if he needed me during this fast and I missed it. I looked back through the pictures on my phone. I was trying to see if I’ve done anything exciting in my five weeks of Facebook Fasting.

I’m amazed at things that have happened. How did I miss all of these little things. Was I too busy waiting for something big?

I know I missed some important news on Facebook. I missed a memorial service. I missed several events I would have loved to attend.

Here’s what I didn’t miss…

– New experiences. I went on a road trip to Phipps Conservatory with new brothers and sisters at Grace.

– Time to visit local coffee shops to start my second book. Nine chapters of words. And an outline too!

– Speaking to high school kids at their childhood cancer fundraiser.

– Friends to practice my coaching on. Turns out some of those people are coaching me in return.

– Mentors. Women older than me who are teaching me things you can’t get from schooling.

– Priorities. I sit down at the beginning of the month and write the things that are most important to me. I make sure I put them on my calendar and not dare cancel. Time with My husband, with the kids, with my parents and with friends. Time with myself…to be still.

Be still Natalie. You don’t have to fill every second of every day by doing something. Turns out by doing a bunch of nothing, I’ve done a bunch of something.